First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
