When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
