I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You ruined the universe
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
