Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
