Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
