Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
