you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
