I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
