Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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