Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
