If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
