the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
