let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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