I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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