That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
