sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
