My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
