I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
