I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
