Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
