someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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