M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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