My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
