I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
