Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
