By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
