do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
