her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
