My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
