I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
