that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize