OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
