They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I can't put those talents on a resume
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
