got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
