my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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