the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We have started to decorate penises.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
