I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
