Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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