Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
