Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
