What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
