I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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