I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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