An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
