I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
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Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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