I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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