tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
