nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
