Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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