well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
