Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
