there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
