____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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