considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
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you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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