He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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