Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
