why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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