I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
