you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
