Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
