Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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